Shepard does 007
by Shepard vas Lucky
Summary: Shepard recruits 007 for a mission.


Story opens with Jacob and Shepard lying in bed after an intimate encounter.

_**Taylor:**_ Why Earth Shepard, why now, what's the attraction, what's his name?

_**Teresa Shepard:**_ Now Jacob, no need to get jealous. We're off to recruit a new team member. Rumour has it he's the best assassin on the planet. Photographic memory, expert with multiple weapon types, lethal hands….

_**Thane:**_ WHAT? Just cause I say "I'm dying", you're looking to replace me already!

_**Taylor:**_ What the hell? What are you doing in here?

_**Thane:**_ I'm studying human mating rituals and customs. I believe this to be the best time to kill a human target as they are totally unaware of their surrounds. By the way Shepard, nice flexibility, I've never seen a human that could do that, are you sure you're not part Hanar?

_**Kasumi:**_ Tee hee hee!

_**Shepard:**_ Doing a "Harry Potter" again Kasumi?

_**Kasumi:**_ If you've got it, use it I say. Can't let the old tactical cloak get rusty.

_**Taylor:**_ Any of you other freaks in here watchin too?

_**EDI: **_That would be unlikely Mr. Taylor, everyone else appears to be in the mess hall.

_**Taylor:**_ Well at least some of the crew have a bit of class!

_**EDI:**_ Your supposition is incorrect Mr. Taylor, They have all been taking in a live feed from Commander Shepard's quarters for the past hour.

_**Shepard:**_ Edi, how could you, I'm the Commander of this ship, how could you disrespect me like this?

_**EDI:**_ Once again an incorrect supposition, I suggest you talk to Miss Zorah commander.

_**Shepard:**_ TALI!

_**Tali:**_ Don't be such a boshtet Shepard, we weren't watching you, only listening. Everyone knows you keep your lips tightly shut, except when you're with Jacob.

_**Joker:**_ So what's the deal Commander? We heading off to Earth now?

_**Shepard:**_ Saddle up the Normandy Joker, we're headin home.

_**Joker:**_ Yee hah!

_**EDI:**_ Strange Mr. Moreau, your reaction suggests you are Earthborn, but my records suggest otherwise.

_**Joker:**_ Just getting in character EDI. You know, I've done a bit of voice work in my time, I'm quite experienced!

_**Shepard:**_ I don't know Joker, I've always thought your vocal efforts were a bit "Green".

_**Joker:**_ I'll get you back for that crack Shepard!

_**Shepard:**_ Ooh I'm scared, the revenge of the Seth!

_**EDI:**_ Engaging FTL drive.

_**Joker:**_ Better find something to hang onto Commander. Oh wait, I see you've already got a firm grip on something. What is that, a bungy cord?

_**Taylor:**_ What's the matter dude, jealous? Ooh Yeah!

_**Joker: **_We're arriving at the planet Earth space dock Commander, Who's going in your landing party?

_**Shepard:**_ Got a bit of time to hang around, so everyone can take a bit of shore leave. Miranda, organise a schedule for the whole crew to rotate down.

_**Miranda:**_ Genetically enhanced body and brain, expert biotic, expert marksman, drop dead gorgeous and she wants me to act as some kind of bimbo personnel officer!

_**Kelly:**_ Yes I believe that's my role. Any role on this ship would be enough, just to be in the presence of the great saviour of the cosmos.

_**Garrus:**_ Thanks M'am, just doing my job.

_**Jack:**_ You Turian tool, she's talking about Shepard. Hey Kelly, you got a little something on your nose, looks like chocolate.

_**Kelly:**_ Would you like to lick me clean Jack?

_**Jack:**_ Don't let the bald head and man pecs fool you, I like it straight and hard.

_**Kelly:**_ Les be friends. First shore leave roster is posted Commander, commencing 0800.

_**Shepard:**_ Thanks Kelly. Wait a minute…..why isn't Jacob on the same roster as me?

_**Kelly:**_ Must have been an oversight Commander, I'll just add the toy boy to the bottom of the list.

_**Shepard:**_ YEOMAN CHAMBERS! Any more of that insubordination and I'll confine you to quarters.

_**Kelly:**_ I apologise Commander, by the way, was that my quarters, or yours?

_**Jacob:**_ Hey, I'm not into sharing!

_**Garrus:**_ Dr. Chakwas, could you please check my audio canals, I thought I just heard a human male knock back the opportunity for an interlude with two females!

_**Jacob:**_ Hey man, what Shepard and I have, it's real, almost spiritual.

_**Shepard:**_ Screw that, I reckon I could manage-a-trois.

_**Taylor:**_ I'm up for that.

_**Shepard:**_ So I see. Alright everyone, move out!

_**Shepard:**_ I'm off to see my contact in London, he's an old acquaintance of mine from the Tenth Street Reds. You might be familiar with him Garrus, his names Curt Weisman.

_**Garrus:**_ You mean the bastard that poisoned the Turian medical ship cargo, the bastard that you got released from custody, the bastard that scarpered, the bastard that…

_**Shepard:**_ Keep your metallic carapace on Garrus. You didn't see me turn YOU in on Omega, despite being public enemy number one.

_**Garrus:**_ But that was different.

_**Shepard:**_ How so, you wiped out how many Blue Suns, how many Blood Pack, how many Eclipse?

_**Garrus:**_ I was just cleaning the scum off the tiles.

_**Taylor:**_ Right, BAM and they're gone.

_**Shepard: **_Yeah, just like an industrial sized cleaning machine.

_**Garrus:**_ I get the point, it all depends on your point of view.

_**Shepard:**_ So, back to business. Weisman has contacts in British intelligence MI 34.

_**Thane:**_ I'd be happy to hunt him, I mean, track him down for you Shepard.

_**Shepard:**_ Don't sweat it Thane, I'm not looking to replace you…..yet, but it won't hurt to have an extra body, with a different skill set, around.

_**Thane:**_ As you wish. May you sleep well!

_**Shepard: **_That reminds me,__EDI, initiate a lockdown on my quarters. I want a sensor sweep for life signs done every thirty seconds.

_**Legion: **_Shepard Commander, I would point out that I emit no life signs and as such would escape detection.

_**Shepard:**_ Don't tell me you've been in my quarters also!

_**Legion:**_ My impression of a coat stand has exceeded expectation!

_**Shepard:**_ EDI, make that life signs and movement detection!

_**Tali:**_ So where exactly will we find this new crew member Shepard?

_**Shepard:**_ I'll let you know once I've spoken to Weisman.

_**Shepard:**_ So spill the beans Weisman, what have you been up to since I saved your balls on the Citadel?

_**Weisman:**_ I thought I better lay low for a while, seemed like there was a bunch of Turian's on my tail.

_**Garrus:**_ I'd like to buy you a drink sometime Mr. Weisman.

_**Weisman:**_ Yeah right. What would be in that drink?

_**Shepard:**_ Forget it Garrus, We've got bigger fish to fry.

_**Grunt**_**:** They've got fish here? For some reason I've always wanted to try fish.

_**Taylor:**_ Holy Mackerel. Krogan's never learn do they? Are you Beavis or Butthead?

_**Grunt:**_ I've always wanted to see how far I could insert this Claymore into a Human. Sounds to me like you're volunteering!

_**Taylor:**_ Back off Grunt or it will be tank bred AND tank dead.

_**Garrus:**_ You're familiar with the term "biting off more than you can chew", take it from me, you can't swallow a Krogan.

_**Miranda:**_ Wait, did that make sense to anyone ?

_**Shepard:**_ Enough with the pissing competition. Weisman, where the hell am I gonna find this guy of yours?

_**Miranda:**_ Err Shepard, have you gone all Indian on us or something.

_**Weisman:**_ No, that big red dot between her eyes would be the targeting laser on the big mother sniper rifle my guy has trained on her!

_**Thane:**_ So this is my replacement, an assassin so weak he must resort to killing only from a distance!

_**New Guy:**_ No, that would be my remote activated "big mother" sniper rifle, while the cold steel you feel on your throat would be your last dying memory as the blade slices open your gills fish face!

_**Kasumi:**_ Wow, I can't see any sign of a tactical cloak. How the hell did you sneak up on us like that.

_**New Guy:**_ Not much of a challenge with you all fighting amongst each other to get the next line.

_**Shepard:**_ Well done, you've managed to make a good first impression. So what's your name?

_**New Guy:**_ The name's Bond, James Bond. Now if you wouldn't mind taking off that helmet Shepard, I prefer to look people in the eye when I'm talking to them.

_**Shepard:**_ And I prefer someone who acknowledges the chain of command. I'll decide when I want to take this off.

_**Joker:**_ Wow, THE James Bond? The one who was forever going on new assignments, bedding every woman in sight, killing every enemy no matter how big, strong or well equipped and saving the world over and over.

_**Garrus:**_ Hey Shepard, sounds exactly like you!

_**Joker:**_ Yeah, they made movies out of all his adventures, I've seen all 276 of them.

_**Garrus:**_ Look out Shepard, they'll be making a movie about you soon.

_**Taylor:**_ Yeah right, an action movie with a female lead. Like anyone would believe a woman could save the universe!

_**Shepard:**_ Jacob, we'll talk about this later.

_**Tali:**_ Did someone play with the thermostat, it's got awfully chilly in here all of a sudden!

_**Kasumi:**_ Hey Commander, better let up on the biotic testicle squeeze, Jacob's looking awfully green.

_**Joker:**_ Just how old are you anyway Bond?

_**Bond:**_ I'm 179.

_**Samara:**_ Amazing, I have never known a human to age as well as an Asari.

_**Kasumi:**_ Yeah, you don't look a day over 38!

_**Bond:**_ The company that employs me has some unique methods of updating my look and my body every ten years or so, even managed to bring me back from the dead once or twice!

_**Shepard:**_ Miranda?...MIRanda?...MIRANDA!

_**Shepard:**_ So what's the name of this company of yours Bond?

_**Bond:**_ Universal Exports, they've always been a step ahead when it comes to counter intelligence and technology development.

_**Shepard:**_ So who's in charge then?

_**Bond:**_ I don't actually know his name, he's just codenamed M, like in Man. He's really quite illusive.

_**Shepard:**_ Nothing to say Miranda?

_**Miranda:**_ What is there to say, you've drawn your own conclusions.

_**Bond:**_ Moneypenny, why are you on this assignment?

_**Shepard:**_ Moneypenny?

_**Miranda:**_ Miranda, Moneypenny, what's in a name anyway!

_**Bond:**_ You should have seen her before they started experimenting with gene therapy. Nice enough sort, but she sure didn't age well.

_**Miranda:**_ HEY!

_**Bond:**_ Now,now, Moneypenny, I hope you won't get too jealous when I bed Shepard here!

_**Taylor: **_THAT'S IT ASSHO….oooooooooooo

_**Bond:**_ Little something I picked up called a Wuxi finger hold!

_**Shepard:**_ Something about you seems awfully familiar but I can't put my finger on it

_**Bond:**_ I get that a lot, doesn't matter how I dress, what colour my hair is, everyone thinks I remind them of someone.

_**Mordin:**_ You humans all look the same to me. Now lie down here while I make sure you're healthy enough to go on this mission.

_**Bond:**_ Hmm, portable medical scanner, you'd be some kind of DR, NO?

_**Mordin:**_ My speciality is proctology, this comes FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE, now bend over while I insert this GOLDFINGER!

_**Bond:**_ Not on your life, no man goes near my groin.

_**Miranda:**_ What about Mayday? She was pretty close to a man!

_**Bond:**_ Touch mine, I'll cut off yours!

_**Mordin:**_ Not necessary, just doing my job, prerequisite I maintain patients dignity. Wait, that noise, coming from testicular region, distant rumbling noise, do you have some kind of THUNDERBALL?

_**Bond:**_ Touch me there and we'll find out if YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE!

_**Miranda:**_ Relax James, Shepard wants this done, It's not Mordin's fault, he's ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE.

_**Shepard:**_ Careful bitch or I might just slap you down.

_**Joker:**_ Take pictures!

_**Bond:**_ Don't worry about the noise Mordin, I had a bit of a problem a while back, so Cerberus replaced my testicles with artificial ones made of diamonds.

_**Mordin:**_ Yes, quite logical, DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER.

_**Shepard:**_ Wait a minute, did you say Cerberus?

_**EDI:**_ Yes Shepard, there is a Cerberus reference in Bond literature, a comic book referred to a clandestine organisation with three heads, quite obscure, yet eerily similar. One wonders whether Mass Effect writers were familiar with the Bond comics, or whether indeed the whole concept was indeed plagiarised.

_**Shepard:**_ So Miranda, Cerberus really is in charge of who they let LIVE AND LET DIE?

_**Miranda:**_ Oh yes, but it's operatives are selected from the best of the best and at the moment, you're THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN. But James has always had a soft spot in my heart, he'll always be THE SPY WHO LOVED ME without ever making love to me.

_**Joker:**_ Damn it.

_**Miranda:**_ Joker?

_**Joker:**_ I had a bet with Taylor that I'd be the only team member she wouldn't sleep with.

_**Miranda:**_ Jacob, we gonna talk, boy are we gonna talk. We're gonna talk so much you won't sit properly for a week!

_**Garrus:**_ Hey Commander, check out the new weapon I've installed. It will flatten everything on the surface of a planet without damaging the crust. I've decided to call it the MOONRAKER.

_**Samara:**_ Shepard, I've just printed the pictures from our girls' night out the other night. Given your lack of clothing and inhibitions, I suggest they be FOR YOUR EYES ONLY.

_**Shepard:**_ Thanks squidhead, my darling little OCTOPUSSY.

_**Samara:**_ I'll never look at a banana the same way again.

_**Shepard:**_ NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN, just be thankful there's two ends on a banana or it wouldn't have been half as much fun.

_**Zaeed:**_ Geez this is boring, any chance there'll be some violence and mayhem soon.

_**Bond:**_ With A VIEW TO A KILL, we'll be heading to Omega soon to rendezvous with a Batarian couple. I plan to scare THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS out of them to ensure they reveal their contacts within the Azure alliance. After they give me the information I need …. Pop!

_**Kasumi:**_ You're gonna kill em just like that, even if they give you the info. Is that legal?

_**Bond:**_ Of course, I've got a LICENCE TO KILL!

_**Miranda:**_ And he never misses, It's like he's got some kind of GOLDENEYE.

_**Joker:**_ TOMORROW NEVER DIES. No need to thank me, I know how hard it was gonna be to work that into a normal conversation!

_**Thane:**_ He is insane, can we not just leave him on this planet.

_**Zaeed:**_ THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH, we need to leave him in another universe!

_**Shepard:**_ You can leave him to DIE ANOTHER DAY, for the moment he's the best damn pilot around. He can fit the Normandy in places nobody else would dare to try.

_**Garrus:**_ Like Udina's butt crack?

_**Anderson:**_ Yeah it's pretty big in there!

_**Tali:**_ Eww!

_**Anderson:**_ Wait, no, I didn't mean,c'mon, you can see for yourself how big it is!

_**Shepard:**_ Keep digging Ando, you got yourself in one big hole.

_**Anderson:**_ Et tu Shepard?

_**Bond:**_ Shepard, before we leave is there time to drop into the CASINO ROYALE for a bit of Baccarat?

_**Shepard:**_ You've got 24 hours. I'm heading for my cabin for a QUANTUM OF SOLACE.

_**Kasumi:**_ A What?

_**Shepard:**_ In other words, an orgy, anyone In?

_**Taylor:**_ Ooh Yeah!

_**Shepard:**_ So Bond, any luck on the tables last night?

_**Bond:**_ I did alright I suppose, won 239,478,363 credits, less VAT, GST, SSR, QVC,RAP, after I tipped the waiters I came out with 38 credits, not bad eh? What about you, any luck last night.

_**Shepard:**_ Well yeah, I got lucky on the tables too, and the chairs, up against the wall, on top of the bar fridge, in the …

_**Bond:**_ I get it, I get it. But tell me something, you've still got that damn helmet on, don't you ever take it off?

_**Shepard:**_ Only for s,s or s.

_**Bond:**_ Right, s..t, shower, shave. Wait, shave? So you're Brazilian then!

_**Shepard:**_ You idiot, I'm talking about my legs and underarms. All these chemicals Cerberus pump into me would turn me into a rainforest if I didn't keep on top of it.

_**Bond:**_ Ah, so you prefer to stay onatopp

_**Shepard:**_ Real smooth James,so that's your M.O. No chat up lines, no foreplay, just wham, bam, thankyou mam!

_**Bond:**_ Wait, No, I can be suave and sophisticated too, I just thought the way you talked last night you were just up for it with anything on two legs.

_**Random Hanar**_: Do'h!

_**Shepard:**_ Relax James, you'll get your chance. I do prefer to get to know "special friends" a little bit before "going to the presidium".

_**Bond:**_ Gardner, I'll have a Martini, shaken not stirred, Shepard will have….

_**Shepard:**_ Sounds good. Make it two Gardner, but wash those hands first, I know what you've been working on!

_**Bond:**_ So, a toast, to….

_**Shepard:**_ A successful mission.

_**Bond:**_ So you prefer missionary …

_**Shepard:**_ BOND. Get a grip!

_**Bond:**_ You first!

_**Shepard:**_ Let's change the subject, ever been married James?

_**Bond: **_ Several times, but as they say, you never forget your first true love. Her name was…..

Wait a minute …. No, it was…..oh crap, I'm having a senior's moment.

_**Miranda:**_ What does it really matter, it's time we talked about the mission anyway!

_**Shepard:**_ Changing the subject Miranda? Something to hide?

_**Miranda:**_ Getting a bit paranoid aren't you Teresa.

_**Bond:**_ Teresa, that's it, her name was Teresa. What a coincidence, I didn't know your name was Teresa too Shepard.

_**Shepard:**_ Yeah, but it's just my legal name, for some reason I've always preferred to be called Tracy.

_**Miranda:**_ Gotta go, I hear the illusive man calling.

_**Bond:**_ Strange, now I think about it, that's what my first wife preferred also.

_**Shepard:**_ What are the odds? But then again with a couple of gazillion life forms in the galaxy, chances are pretty good.

_**Bond:**_ Still, it makes you wonder.

_**Joker:**_ I'm telling you Edi, they're just so thick they'll never work it out. You've gotta do something!

_**EDI:**_ Commander Shepard, my sensors have detected a foreign DNA strand in your helmet, could you please hand your helmet to Doctor Mordin for analysis.

_**Shepard:**_ Sure. Can't figure how that would have got in there.

_**Jack:**_ Yeah right. It's not as though you've swapped saliva with anyone, recently, like in the last five minutes anyway!

_**Shepard:**_ I'll just slip this off and …..

_**Bond:**_ OH MY GOD! Tracy, it's you!

_**Shepard**_: You, who?

_**Bond:**_ My first and only true love, Teresa. I can't believe it!

_**Shepard**_: Miranda, get your biotically enhanced backside in here, and make sure your wearing your black outfit cause I'm gonna kick your butt so bad you'll get the cover of big butts annual!

_**EDI**_: Nice spelling, that could have got really icky!

_**Miranda**_: Now James, don't be so silly, I'll admit there's a passing resemblance to the countess.

_**Bond**_: How did you know she was a countess?

_**Miranda**_: I didn't say countess, I said she must resemble countless women James has met and seduced.

_**Kelly:**_ Ooh nice work, your tongue really got you out of that one!

_**Joker**_: Yeah, her oral skills have always impressed me!

_**Miranda**_: Oh what would you know, yours would break before you got within ten feet Bones!

_**Joker**_: Sticks and stones may break my, oh wait, that doesn't work does it?

_**Garrus**_: Hey, where did Bond and Shepard go?

_**Joker**_: EDI, crank up the live video feed from Shepard's quarters, this is gonna be one helluva reunion.


End file.
